So I'm still living the strug life in LA. I might be moving in with a friend officially this month/next month so that's very exciting except it's bringing up a ton of insecurities I didn't know I had about officially calling LA my new home. I'm petrified. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I've spent countless nights since moving here crying myself to sleep. I have practically no money. I don't have a job. I might have a place to live, but how do I sign a lease if I'm not sure how long I can pay rent without an income? I'm stressed all the time. I'm never not discouraged about my job search. I have no clue what I'm doing in any area of my life.
Sometimes I'm fine and dandy and feeling super great about this whole deal and having faith God will see this through and other times I feel like I'm seconds from a mental/emotional breakdown. It feels like I'm falling down a deep dark hole and have no way to stop myself, nothing to hold onto as I plummet down, down, down, scraping the sides of the pit as the light I see above me gets smaller and smaller and smaller. It feels like I'm drowning and, try as I might to reach the surface, I'm only sinking further and further down into the depths of the sea, feeling the crushing weight of the ocean constricting my chest and compressing my lungs.
Half the time I want to give up. What am I doing here? Why did I move? What's the point? Where am I going? I sit in my car and weep asking for something, anything, from God to give me comfort, a confirmation that I'm following His will and not pursuing a fruitless path I made up on my own.
And that's where He meets me. In some small way. Every. Single. Time.
He comforts me and holds me and calls me His. He dresses me in robes of glory and crowns me with righteousness. He shelters me and protects me. He tells me He is proud. He shows me all His favorite parts about me. He brings me to the stream of life and lets me rest in the fields of His peace. He fills my cup to overflowing and the excess become my tears as I weep in His presence. He is patient and kind. He cradles my head as I relax in His security. He is everything good and whole and I will never be worthy of His amazing love. But he does this anyway.
I will continue to strive to live out His will. I don't know what that will look like or where I will end up, but if God will comfort me every step of the way, I will follow Him. And He will. Every. Single. Time.
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